


Black and Blue

by littlebabylizzy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012, Angst, Drunk Dialing, Drunk Sex, Drunken Confessions, Fluffy Ending, Homophobia, Internalised Homophobia, M/M, Misunderstandings, valentine's day video
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-31
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2018-10-13 08:13:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10509825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlebabylizzy/pseuds/littlebabylizzy
Summary: After moving in with his best friend, a very confused 18 year old Dan realizes he's falling in love. Feeling like his love won't be reciprocated, he copes with lots and lots of alcohol.





	1. Chapter 1

It was the tenth of August in 2011, a rather bleak day with clouds covering the entire sky and light showers of rain hitting against the pavement at random intervals. Most would declare it a normal day in Manchester, but to one Dan Howell, it was the first day of the rest of his life. The 18 year stood awkwardly, bags surrounding his feet and hanging from his hands, wearing him down. He didn’t have too much else to bring up with him, as most of his stuff had already been moved into the new flat earlier this week with the help of his loving, if distant and introverted, family. 

Sucking in a deep breath, Dan mustered up enough courage to haphazardly grab the rest of his bags, immediately almost dropping them, and began walking up the stairs to the door of his new flat. With each step his heart pounded louder and louder in his ears and he felt ready to explode by the time he reached the top. He paused at the end of the staircase to take a deep breath and force his beating heart to slow down. He’s just another friend and this will help our careers. That’s it. In no way is this an excuse to brush against his shoulders in the morning, or sit a bit too close to him during videos, or maybe even stroke his hair- Dan paused after realizing that his pep talk was having the opposite effect on his heart rate and mentally cursed his brain.  


He took one final, ineffective deep breath before determinedly making his way to apartment 16. The door flung open just as he reached over a dropped bag to open the door, revealing a beaming raven-haired boy. The smile was radiant, like a sun beam breaking through the heavy England clouds. Dan gave him a weak smile back, not able to focus fully on anything other than the intense beating of his heart.

“Phil,” he muttered through a shaky voice, “can you please help me?” Within a second, the barely shorter man was grabbing bags from Dan’s arms and walking towards the room that had already been designated as Dan’s. Dan followed suit, carrying a more manageable load that didn’t make him want to collapse on the ground. He wasn’t sure why he had waited until move-in day to bring this many things, but he was just glad to finally be in the apartment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“And a pinch of salt.” He paused on Phil holding up the ingredient. It had been about three weeks now, and Dan knew he was in over his head. He’d been stealing glances at the beautiful man he was living with the entire time. He’d known, previous to moving in, that the way he felt about Phil was not the way that most guys felt about their best friend, but he hadn’t realised just how intense it was. “And to make the pancakes, you will require the following utensils!” “A pan-” Phil on the screen stopped as Dan paused the half-edited video and rewound the video for four seconds, one more time, to try and shorten the jumpcut. Staying at Phil’s house for a weekend was nothing like Constantly being around the older man. I can barely concentrate on YouTube and that’s half of the bloody reason we’re living together. All he wanted to do was hang out with Phil and begin to create a future, as partners. But totally not in any way other than platonically, of course. Dan, though, kept his mouth shut about all of it. He’d never let anyone know that he felt this way about Phil, even if some of their fans could see it in the way they interacted. Dan shook his head and tried to focus on the laptop screen in front of him. Phil’s eyes weren’t looking directly at the camera, instead staring past it, at something in the distance. Even in videos, Dan would never get the attention he wanted from his best friend.

With a loud sigh, he closed his laptop and set it to the side. He curled up under the covers of his bed and attempted to force his brain to stop thinking about Phil so much, but it seemed like a futile effort. Every time his eyes closed, he heard Phil’s laugh, saw the way he awkwardly, yet endearingly ate his cereal in the mornings, or how sometimes, but not always, there was a small tuft of hair that stuck up in the back of his head, defiant to all brushing and straightening, that would only go away after it’s been washed. Dan knew he had it bad, but he desperately just wanted to ignore it - to be a normal guy with his best friend. 

“Best friends,” Dan whispered to himself. “That’s all we’ll ever be.” He sighed again and got out from under the covers. He wanted to see how Phil was doing. If he couldn’t get him out of his head, why not at least check on him?

After the incredibly short walk to Phil’s room, Dan awkwardly knocked on the door and waited, somewhat impatiently, for the soft “come in,” from the other side. Dan opened the door and hesitantly walked into the room. His hands were shaking as he pushed his semi-straightened fringe out of his face. His breath caught in his throat as he saw Phil, in only his pants, sitting on his bed, reading a book. Dan tried to stop himself from staring, but knew he was failing at it. Why had his infatuation gotten so much worse since they had moved in together? He’d been able to hide it (somewhat) when he was just watching the older man’s videos, when they’d met at the train station, and when they’d hung out for the past two years. He knew he’d let it slip at times - whenever he got too close to Phil or looked at him with admiration and love the fans were always calling him out for it. He kept strong on the “I’m not gay” thing, though, because he wasn’t. It was just… Phil that did something to him, something that no other human being had ever done. 

“Dan… Dan, are you okay?” Phil gingerly asked, snapping Dan out of the myriad of thoughts that were racing through his head. Dan’s face flushed a soft pink and he cleared his throat before piping up.

“Uh, yeah. I just wanted to see how you were and what your plans were for the day?” Dan mustered the strength to look away from Phil’s bare chest and to his face. Phil’s hair was messy, and his glasses were half off his face. Dan’s breath was still caught in his throat from Phil being in only his pants and he was infuriated with himself for being so obvious about his feelings. He’d only been living with Phil for three fucking weeks and he was over here, blatantly staring at him and literally gawking at his beauty. He cleared his throat again and closed his eyes.

“Are you sick?” Phil asked quizzically, “You look hot and you keep clearing your throat.” Dan wanted to laugh at the fact that Phil was so oblivious, but a small smile was sufficient enough to handle the situation. Dan decided his best bet was to play along so he wouldn’t have to come up with a better excuse.

“I might be…” Dan muttered. “I don’t know, though. I guess I may be getting sick.”

Phil, almost immediately, stood up and started talking, “Well, if you’re sick, that means you need to take some medications and get back in bed. Come here,” Phil was waving his hand, motioning for Dan to come closer to him. Dan complied, albeit nervously, and walked within arms distance from Phil, “Let me feel your forehead.” Dan nodded and moved the fringe from his head, quickly replaced by Phil’s soft hand. “Slightly warm, okay. Look, go back to bed. I’m going to bring you a glass of water and some medicine.”

Dan was almost instantly regretting not telling Phil the truth, because babying him like this was making it even worse. Dan’s face was even more flushed now, but he had dug himself into this hole, so now he had to live with it. With a soft sigh, he shuffled over to his room and waited, somewhat impatiently, for Phil to come back with water and unnecessary medicine. Dan was curled up under the covers with his head propped on the pillow when Phil returned, his arms overflowing with different medications and bottles of water. “I didn’t know exactly what you’d need, so I... brought our... entire medicine cabinet,” he said, awkwardly. Dan’s face flushed again and he felt his heart beating faster at how utterly adorable Phil was. He closed his eyes and cleared his throat again.

“Aha! So, a cough!” Phil said. He immediately started dropping non-cough medications “and a fever,” he continued while he discarded a few more containers. “Is your throat sore, Dan?” There was a hesitant nod of Dan’s head in response and Phil finally stacked the remaining pills on his night stand. “Okay, so there is this TheraFlu thing, so I’m going to give you that, but we only have the nighttime version, so you’re going to be sleepy….” Phil trailed off and started pouring out some of the medicine into the small cup. The medicine went slightly above the line, but it seemed cute that Phil made sure there was extra, not less than. It comforted Dan in this strange way, and he inwardly laughed at himself for being so silly. He was doing his best to breathe and keep himself calm, but Phil was now pushing the cup towards his lips and commanding him to drink up. Dan was almost excited for the medicine to put him to sleep, because he couldn’t handle being awake around Phil anymore. This was becoming unbearable the longer it continued. After making sure Dan swallowed the fever medicine and throat soother, he picked out, Phil was telling Dan to sleep and stay hydrated as he turned off the lights and left the room. Dan welcomed the darkness and curled up under his covers, thinking about Phil as he fell asleep with a soft, content smile on his face.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drunken phone calls and confessions.

Dan was only going to have a couple drinks, he’d told himself, but he forgot that a couple drinks always turned into five or six, heavy on the alcohol, light on the complementary juice. drinks. He was most definitely starting to feel the effects of the alcohol on him, and he was beyond grateful that Phil was out at the moment, visiting his family. They’d been living together for a few months now and every day passed like its own short film. They blurred together but were each so distinctly amazing. He had started the academic year and Phil had kept him on track with his studies, even if they would get distracted playing video games until three in the morning. The carmel macchiatos always kept Dan going, though. Carmel macchiatos and Starbucks sofas had become their thing. Dan knew that with each moment they spent together, he was falling even harder. He was trying to convince himself that it was okay to feel this way, but he couldn’t shake the years of indoctrination he’d experienced growing up. It’s a man and a woman, Daniel. I don’t want to catch you doing anything like this again. Dan’s drunken head was swimming and he didn’t notice the tears until they landed on his lap.

Dan was straight, but… Phil was perfect. There was something he couldn’t shake, no matter how many times he tried to remind himself that he was straight - that he had to be straight, if only for the sake of keeping his family around. He didn’t want to lose them because of this, and after that one time in primary school, he knew he was going to. Dan wiped furiously at his eyes and muttered a few curse words to himself. Why couldn’t he get himself together? He was drunk, for fucks sake, he should be happy. He couldn’t be happy, though. Not with this eating away at his very existence every single time he even thought of Phil. He shook his head and stumbled into his room. Figuring he was too far gone to walk around the room without Phil here to watch him, Dan pulled off his clothes and flopped directly onto the bedcovers, feeling way too hot to actually get under them. Instead he simply lay there, staring at the empty ceiling. His head was swimming with thoughts of Phil, most of which were beyond what any “best friend” should be thinking about. The most prominent one was what Phil’s body would feel like next to him right now and how his hands would feel against Dan’s skin. Dan’s breath was heavy and his mind was losing itself in its own fantasy creation of what it would be like if a very drunken Phil (who also happened to enjoy a male’s touch) were right next to him. Dan’s dominant hand traveled into his boxer briefs and grabbed his already semi-hardening cock, and a soft gasp left his lips. Breath racing faster, his hand slowly started moving to the fantasy his mind had concocted. He squeezed his now aching erection and began to move as fast as he could manage without almost instantly losing himself in pleasure. Phil’s hands were on Dan’s hips, pulling him closer. Dan was whimpering, almost begging for the older man to enter him. Phil laughed softly at the younger boy and kissed down his chest, before pulling off his boxers and freeing his erection. Dan gasped slightly at the way the air brushed against his sensitive shaft, and bucked his hips. Phil’s head was now between Dan’s thighs, kissing and biting at the soft skin. Phil’s breath was against his skin, sending shivers down his spine. Dan’s moans were loud, muffled from every little touch, almost begging for Phil to do more, to take him as his. Phil bit harder at his thighs, sucking on the slightly tanned skin, leaving dark marks that almost resembled watercolour on his skin. Dan’s moans were loud enough to wake the neighbors and then Phil’s fingers were stuffed in his mouth, with Dan licking at his fingers, knowing what Phil was planning to do with those fingers once they were sufficiently wet enough. Dan was only able to last to that point in his drunken fantasy before his cock was twitching in his hand, shooting spurts of cum everywhere.

Dan lazily wiped the release off his hand with his boxers and curled into his pillows. His orgasm hadn’t been the best ever, but an orgasm plus being entirely way too drunk for his own good had left his body absolutely exhausted. He yawned softly and contemplated falling asleep like that, but instead decided to grab his phone and mess around on social media some. After a few minutes of sluggishly scrolling through tumblr, he went to put his phone down before he got the idea to call Phil and check on him. He desperately wanted to hear Phil’s voice and talk to him, not realizing how much he would miss him. Pushing aside thoughts of how late it must be, how drunk he was, or the fact that he was still high off an orgasm, he pulled up Phil’s contact number and dialed him. After just a few rings, Phil answered with a half asleep, “Dan?”

Dan’s breath hitched at how fucking adorable Phil sounded half asleep. He muttered a soft, “Yeah?” before realising his cock was already becoming hard again, just from the sound of Phil’s voice.

“Are you okay?” Phil asked, his voice less sleepy this time.

“Fine, yeeeeaaaaah,” Dan responded.

“Drunk, aren’t you?” Phil laughed out his response, causing Dan to grow even harder, not really sure why. Was it just his drunkenness that allowed for his body to respond like this? Did he normally respond to Phil like this? Was this how he naturally was, but he normally repressed it? Dan was so lost in thought that there was a minute long pause between Phil’s original question and a concerned, “Dan?” 

“Yes? Oh, yeah, d-drunk,” he muttered. “I drank the rest of the alcohol in the apartment… I need you to buy more on your way home pleeeeaaaaaase.” Dan pulled out his puppy dog voice, the one he knew always worked on Phil.

“The rest of the alcohol? Dan, are you okay? That was… a lot… But… I guess I can pick up more tomorrow…” 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine… I promise, I just wanted to drink! Thaaaank you! More alcohol, yay!” 

“Dan… is there something you’re not telling me?” Phil’s voice was beyond concerned and definitely wide awake at this point. Dan wanted to ignore it and pretend like everything was fine, but his drunken self just wanted to talk, openly to Phil. He wanted to tell Phil everything, because maybe then he’d feel better about everything going on. 

“I, er, uh…”

“Dan, you can tell me anything, I’m just worried… It’s half past 3 in the morning and you called me drunk… and I don’t think it was just to ask for more alcohol.”

“Philly, I promise, I’m okaaaaayyyyyy..”

“Daniel James Howell, you did not wake me up at half past 3 in the morning just to ask me to get more alcohol, so what is it?” Dan blinked at the usage of his full name and blearily sat upright in bed, pulling his pillow onto his lap and cuddling close to it. He sighed and decided that maybe he had to tell Phil what he was feeling.

“I… okay. I’ll tell you, but you can’t let it ruin anything between us, okay?”

“Dan, why would I ever let anything come between us?”

“...I like you.”

“I like you too, that’s why we’re best friends and we live together?” 

“No, no, Phil, Phil Lester, I liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike you. Like like. Totally full blown like like you as more than a friend. In fact, I like like you so much, I just got off to the idea of us together.” Dan’s drunkenness was getting the better of him, and he lacked the inhibitions to realise he shouldn’t be admitting this much to Phil. 

“.....O-oh…” Dan could hear something in Phil’s voice that he wasn’t able to place and he instantly started whining.

“Seeeeeee, I told you it would get in between us….”

“No, no, Dan, it’s not… It’s something… I… Ah, fuck.”

“Phil Lester! Did you just curse?” 

“I, erm, shit, yeah, uh…. Dan, you’re too drunk to be having this conversation with me. I don’t… I don’t want to hear this from drunk you. Come talk to me when you’re sober, please?”

“But, Philly, I want to know if you like me toooooooooooooo.”

“When you’re sober, Dan. When you’re sober. I’ll see you tomorrow and I’ll bring more alcohol, okay?” With that, Phil hung up on Dan, who now had a very sour taste in his mouth. He decided he needed to sleep and maybe this empty feeling in his heart from the stinging rejection he just faced would go away. He curled up under the covers, and let himself fall asleep.

The next morning, Dan had a raging headache and absolutely no memory of what had happened after he’d lain down in bed the night previous. He grabbed his phone to check the damage and saw a call to Phil that was far too late in the night, or early in the morning, to be a good sign. He immediately texted Phil an apology for whatever it was he’d said to him the night before. Dan was initially terrified for Phil’s response, not knowing exactly what it was that he had said and knowing full well that it could end poorly if it wasn’t a good thing.   
A few minutes later his phone chirped and he immediately grabbed it. It was a text from Phil that read “You’re good, I’m picking up the alcohol you asked for now. Be home soon.” Dan sighed in relief, happy that all his drunken self had wanted was more alcohol and rolled out of bed to grab something for his raging headache.

A few hours later, he heard Phil’s keys scraping against the lock and his face instantly flushed. He was still concerned about the call the night before, even though Phil had said that it was basically him just asking for more alcohol. But something kept nagging at him, telling him that there was something more that happened... or maybe he was making stuff up just because he couldn’t remember the previous night. He groaned and walked over towards the front door to help carry in luggage, even though his friend more than likely didn’t need the help. Instead of luggage, however, Phil immediately handed him three bulky grocery bags completely filled with bottles of various alcohols. It was much more than he was anticipating, but he shook off the confusion for now and turned to Phil.

“I’m glad you’re back home,” Dan casually said, trying not to show how much of an understatement that was. 

“I’m glad to be back,” Phil said with a soft laugh. His face was a soft pink, and his smile was huge. “I missed you.” Dan’s heart started beating faster, and he could feel the heat in his cheeks. Needing to get himself together, Dan took the alcohol to the kitchen to put the tequila in the freezer and the few wine coolers in the fridge. 

“I don’t want you drinking all that in one night,” Phil’s teasing voice echoed throughout the apartment. A dark red colour quickly flushed Dan’s cheeks, embarrassment racing through his body. He murmured profanities to himself before shouting back an “okay.” He knew he had drunk a lot the night previous; his lack of memory was enough proof of that. There was the pitter-patter of footsteps fluttering in the air, so Dan turned around to see an approaching Phil. The soft, awkward smile on Phil’s face was enough to take the breath away from Dan. He took a moment to look into Phil’s beautifully mesmerizing eyes. He realised quickly that his “moment” of looking was quickly turning into staring , so he averted his eyes. 

“Are you planning on drinking again tonight?” Phil asked, seeming almost hopeful in his question. Dan couldn’t place where the hopefulness was coming from, or why it was even there, so he took a beat to respond.

“I guess, probably. I wasn’t expecting you to bring back this much alcohol, by the way, and you definitely didn’t need to,” Dan responded. He felt guilty, in a way, that Phil had spent this much. He had money, sure, but that didn’t mean that he had to waste it all on Dan like this. He heard Phil chuckle slightly and then he responded:

“There was a massive sale, I stopped at a place going out of business. I wanted to stock up so I didn’t have to go back out quickly, in case you decided to binge drink again anytime soon.” Slightly taken aback, Dan looked at Phil with amazement. He didn’t know how to respond to that, so he just nodded and shut the fridge door. Well, at least Phil hadn’t spent an absurd amount of money on him. He sighed softly and moved to walk away when Phil stopped him. “Is there anything...else you want to say to me?” 

“Uhm,” Dan paused at Phil’s suddenly vulnerable look. “I mean, thank you for the alcohol, Phil. You really didn’t have to buy so much. I can pay you back, mate.” Phil’s eyes seemed weak at the response and his smile faded. Dan didn’t know what he did wrong or what Phil was looking for, but he felt that he had hurt Phil’s feelings.

“You don’t have to,” he murmured. “My treat, okay? Just… don’t drink it all in one night.”

“Of course, I wouldn’t want you to have to deal with taking me to A&E or anything. I’d probably die if I drank that much.”

“Yeah, yeah you would. And I don’t want a dead Dan on my hands.” Phil’s eyes were still flat, but there was a soft laugh pouring from his lips. Slightly worried, Dan gave Phil a questioning look, which was met by a defensive gesture. “I’m fine, Dan. I was expecting you to be more hungover, though. Especially since you don’t remember any of that lovely conversation we had at half past three in the morning.” Dan grimaced and shot Phil an apologetic look, but before he could speak the apology, Phil piped up with, “I’m going to unpack all my stuff. Want to watch a movie afterwards?” 

“Yeah, what movie?”

“How about Wall-E? We haven’t watched it in forever.” Phil’s voice was off, but Dan just nodded in response. He had to figure out what was bothering Phil.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The stress of trying to to get Phil to open up to him, all while hiding the fact that he was falling, hard, for him was wearing on him. It had been a week now and Dan still hadn’t been able to figure out what was wrong with Phil, so tonight he decided he would finally crack open the alcohol that Phil had bought for him, since Phil was going to be out with Chris and PJ for the night. They had invited him, but he feigned sickness so that he wouldn’t have to join them. He was terrified that they would notice something, especially if he had any alcohol in his system. His head almost constantly felt like it was ready to explode from the sheer amount of effort he had to put into hiding this incredibly awkward and somewhat creepy crush he had. Admittedly, he knew that his crush was becoming more than just a crush, but he refused to talk about it to anyone, wary about how his friends and family would respond. He knew, to a degree, that being gay was more usual than his parents had led him to believe, but he still wasn’t sure that it was okay or that Phil would be okay with it either. Just because he got off to idea of them together and creepily stared at Phil every chance he got didn’t mean that he even really was starting to fall for him, right? It could just be some weird sexual attraction that he needed to work through his system. At least, that’s what he tried to tell himself. It worked, for a few moments, but then he thought of how Phil’s eyes crinkle when he smiles, or the way his tongue pops out during his laughs, and Dan’s heart swelled too much to believe it was anything less than mere sexual attraction. Refusing to actually talk to anyone about any of this, Dan decided to grab the one shot glass they actually owned and poured himself some tequila. It would be fine to get drunk without Phil in the house, right?

Dan sighed and drank about four shots in the matter of only a few minutes. He could feel himself beginning to relax, feeling more comfortable by the second. After a few more shots, he heard the door open. His breath hitched, and he waited uncomfortably to see if his suspicion was correct.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my lovely editor, Amateum, for being a fantastic and beautiful person.


End file.
